14 back to back episodes of Desperate Housewives had led me to the realisation that cosmetic surgery was what was called for to mend my ailing relationship with Carbon Footprint. Eager to make things work, I googled cosmetic surgeons - Harley Street. A quick glance at the website and woah there!....... suffice to say there are many procedures available, (some to enhance bits of anatomy not appropriate for mention on this page, google them yourself if you like but don’t expect your girlfriend to believe you that looking at www.breastimplants.com and the like is sailing related research). Among the less unmentionable were buttock implants and fat injections - what in the world would you want to do either of those for? There were only two acceptable options, breast enlargement or nose reshaping. Aside from the obvious benefits, which would best improve my relationship with Carbon Footprint and bring me endless worry free foiling joy? Time to consider the options:
In the same way that you can never have too many shoes, no girl can ever have too much righting moment. Being at the small end of the fleet, maybe my problem with Carbon Footprint is that I am just not big enough for her. How could I improve my ability to hold her down in a blow? Option 1 - Grow, hmm... think I’m a bit old for that one. Option 2 - eat lots of cake.... could be tempted, but really it’s weight up top that counts, aha! Option 3 - breast enlargement! As a good Mothie I can not go ahead with any mod without first modeling the predicted performance benefits. I consulted with Adam, guru of all things Moth design, turns out he already has a spreadsheet to do this (!). We’ll talk about that later, but for now here comes the science bit... concentrate...
Simply plug in the weight of a standard implant, ah, how much do those things weigh? Back to trusty google... Turns out there is a technical way to calculate implant size, it involves filling tights with rice and putting them in you sports bra!!! Said test even has a formal name - The Rice Test. I didn’t check if it has been formally validated for reliability and repeatability, although if you were thinking of volunteering to crunch the numbers, so to speak, I suspect you may have been beaten to it.
The Rice Test
So after much tipping of rice and ruining of tights it turns out that the largest recommended implant weighs in at 0.2kg, or a princely 0.4kg for the pair. Not sure that is going to be much help. Back to the spreadsheet... in with the 0.4kg, my height and weight (never ask a lady remember) and..... here comes the answer, breast enlargements will increase my righting moment from 29.54 kgm to 29.72 kgm - ah, not very much then, and for £5000, I could get new foils for that!
Ok so plan B it is...
Committed blog followers will know that Carbon Footprint undergoes a Jekyll and Hyde style transformation from a well mannered foiling superstar in the flat water play pen of Weymouth Harbour to a bucking, rampaging stallion at the slightest suggestion of waves. What was the cause of this? We sat on the couch together as the counsellor probed our childhood experiences. It turns out that the problem stems from a particularly traumatic time in Carbon Footprint’s teens when she was converted from a lowrider and an old, stiff piece of teleflex cable was use as her foil control system. What she needed was a nose job! No cartilaginous re-arrangement or need to walk around with tissue paper inserted in the nostrils; but more an improved wand control and ride height adjustment system. Never mind Harley street, I need a boat builder!!!